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My journal is friends only. It isn't hiding anything of particular importance to anyone but myself.
Every night a moth flaps against my window. It sounds big, and irrationally, I always stop and hope it's on the other side of the window. As in, outside. Of course it's outside. I'd notice a big moth in here, but these are the things I worry about. And before I can talk myself into the rational explanation, I have made my plan of attack for the imagined threat. (The possibly large moth.)

~i can grab that magazine and take care not to disturb that box because it has Gracie's paw print, if it does fall I can probably catch it, and once the box is secure I can use the magazine to swat at the (possibly) large moth from my bed, that corner, so I can move to the floor and maybe the door if I need to escape but the floor will be a better position~

Then, once I've run through that, and a few scenarios for if I've fled the room (throw Fig at it and close the door!) I talk myself down. I give myself the rational explanation. (See first paragraph.)

This is my thought process at a moth at the window.

Now imagine that same effect with everything. If my foot hits this step wrong will I...? If someone says this do I laugh or shake my head? I question and plan outcomes to a lot of tiny little unimportant details. It's maddening.

Apr. 1st, 2010

So.. I got a tattoo. I haven't posted it to Facebook because my dad is on there, and I'd rather him find out from me first, and not online. I don't figure he'll be upset or anything, but still. I think in person or at least on the phone would be a better way to find out.

It says Memento Vivere (it's Latin, and it means "remember, you must live") and the "R" in Vivere is capitalized for my mom. There is a dandelion underneath, with the little fluffs blowing up over it. Ang took pictures while I was having it done, too. There's even a lovely half-done bloody picture. Yay!

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Easter. Oh, happy day.

So, he was actually married. There's a lot of Jerry Springer type shit there, but I'm not going to go into it all. It's ugly and I may bring up some of it some day, but he WAS separated, and his wife DID know we were together. And they WERE separated BEFORE we started ..well, this fucked up thing some people might call a relationship.

His grandparents, however, did NOT know they were separated, and occasionally they had to go put on happy married faces for them. Eventually, they did tell them, and some stuff happened, and blah de blah I was involved and the grandparents wanted to meet me because I had been on THEIR side for something. And so they invited me to Easter dinner.

He had to work, but would be off in time for dinner, he just wouldn't make it home in time to change. So I gathered clothes together, lovingly, to take to the grandparents' house for him to change into when he arrived. And off I went to the grandparents' house, with his mom, his wife, his wife's boyfriend, and the kids. (Oh yeah, did I mention the kids? They had kids. Cute kids, actually.)

We're all getting along, the grandparents seem to like me, everyone is happy, no problems. Until he gets there and goes to change.

I FORGOT A BELT. OH WOE. OH NO. OH GOD THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.

He calls me back (to where he was), and says, "YOU FORGOT THE BELT ON PURPOSE YOU BITCH."

Yes. I totally did. I REALLY wanted to ruin the day that I had been ACTUALLY enjoying so far.

The next day, I went into work. One of the ladies there was saying how her boyfriend had bought her roses, for EASTER. I snorted and said I got called bitch for forgetting a belt. The butcher looked at me and asked me how long I was going to take that kind of treatment before I wised up.


I wasn't scared of leaving. Holy crap. I was scared of his reaction to my leaving. And who the fuck calls someone a name for forgetting a belt? I remembered his shirt, pants, socks, shoes, comb, hair gel, hair spray, every fucking thing else. How about a thanks for that?

I went home and told him I'm sorry, but I'm leaving. He curled up on the floor and started crying. I went and got my things and started putting them in the car. I apologized to his mom (yeah, really) and she said she understood, she'd take care of him. She was kind of angry at me and I don't really blame her for that. She had to deal with him now. There was no one to stand in between.

But that wasn't the end of it.
Split shifts. The bane of my existence at the time. I had to go home in between if he was off work. Couldn't have any time spent at unknown places. Didn't matter that it took me forty-five minutes to get there, and then back, and so it was near pointless to spend the gas money to drive all that way just for maybe an hour at home. The rule was the rule and it was the rule, so the rule must be followed.

One particularly lousy gray day, he was hungry, so I stopped at McDonald's to buy lunch on my way home. McD's was about fifteen minutes from the 'house,' and thus the cause of my next problem.

"The fries are cold." He informed me.

Then I got all mouthy, you know, like women do. "Heat them in the microwave."

This apparently, in some language, means, "Please throw your Super Sized fries at me."

Because that is what he did. He threw his motherfucking fries at me. For telling him to heat them up in the microwave. Because it was somehow MY fault I could not bend space and time to make McDonald's a WEE BIT closer to the house.

I stood there. This was somehow worse than the vase. Yeah, I know. "You threw your goddamned fries at me? YOU THREW YOUR FUCKING FRIES AT ME?"

He looked more dumbfounded than I felt. Like even HE couldn't believe he'd done it. Or maybe he couldn't believe I'd yelled. I don't know. Don't really care.

I left. Went back to work and hung out until it was time to clock in.

Feb. 1st, 2010

It was a pretty pink ceramic vase that had previously held Valentine's flowers for me. It was currently being swung towards my face. I leaned back, falling back, out of the way. He missed. I ran out of the room and outside, down the stairs and landed in the wet grass. It was raining.

I lay curled on the wet grass, crying hysterically. He stood over me, apologizing over and over. Again. He didn't know why he did these things. He didn't know why he got so angry.

I didn't even know what I'd done. Nothing big, I'm certain. I was very careful to not do anything to make him mad. Tiptoes only. Kid gloves. It didn't matter. He'd get mad at perfection.

He got mad at my crying. I couldn't stop. I was hysterical. He kicked at me. A couple landed. He apologized again. Cycle, cycle. He walked off. I got up. I had to go to work.

Whoa.

So I had my follow up with my neurologist. I mentioned the few 'migraines' I'd had in between appointments and that I generally had a dull headache. She's upped my dosage of Topamax (to an almost GOOD GRIEF! amount, mind you) that I will 'step up' to over the next few weeks. I am hoping the drooling idiot side effect does not return. Still hoping for the loss of appetite to lose a few unwanted pounds, but whatever.

She also gave me a prescription for the Maxalt, which is the onset migraine pills. Fifteen pills in my prescription.

Both prescriptions cost, with insurance, $70. Without insurance, they would have run about $900. Yes, Nine hundred dollars. $500+ for 120 pills of Topamax (@ 4$ a pill), and $380+ for fifteen pills of Maxalt (@ 25$ a pill!). There must be diamonds ground up in that.

I sure am glad for Blue Cross.

Headaches..

Blargh blargh blargh.

So I started the Topamax in November. I didn't get the loss of appetite side effect. I did get the "turn into a drooling idiot" side effect. Fortunately, it passed once I got used to the meds.

I've had three "migraines" since then, and a couple of just plain ol' nasty headahces. The Maxalt my neurologist gave me for onset headaches seems to work. All three headaches came on exactly as the ones in November did, starting around 4 PM, full blown by 5:30. Unfortunately, they seem to be coming on more easily or frequently, since two of the three have been in the past couple of weeks. And I seem to just generally have a dull headache.

Blah.

Follow up appointment with the neuro is Tuesday morning. I don't know what to expect out of this appointment.

Headache Saga, Part Four, Episode 1

The MRI was good.  No tumors, no infections in my brain.  Yay!  My thyroid is also in good shape.

She said my headaches are typical of neither migraines nor tension headaches, but the treatment for prevention of migraines is working so we'll continue with that.  She asked if the Imitrex worked and I told her no, so she gave me something else to try.  (I forget the name of the new pill).

Follow up with her at the end of February, but I can call her if they come back with a vengeance or something. 

She did say my liver enzymes were elevated.  So was my white cell count.  I looked both up on the internets, and both can be raised by taking anti-seizure meds, which is what Topamax is.  She is sending my lab results back to my internist and I'll follow up with him.

Well, that's good at least.

Yes, this is another whiny headache post.

The nasty headache started this evening around 7.  I suffered through it while I watched Bones, because if I have something to distract me, it's easier to ignore the pain.  But House hasn't been as amusing for me lately as it used to, although I still enjoy it, so before long I was crying and fussing like an infant again.  I begged Matt to call someone to find out if the Darvocet would interact with the Topamax.  He called the pharmacist at Walgreen's and he told Matt that they did very different things and would not interact.  So, the Darvocet doesn't really kill the headache either, but it helps me to ignore it better.  Or maybe it lessens it.  It's really kind of hard to explain the pain. 

Sometimes it doesn't really seem to actually hurt less, but it's easier to deal with or ignore.  And sometimes it DOES hurt less.  And sometimes it hurts really bad and cannot be ignored.  This is when I start crying and fidgeting and stuffs.  I hate crying, too.  Because all this does is make my face hurt (nose stuffs up, etc.) and that adds to the headache.  But it's SO frustrating and it hurts so much that I can't NOT cry.  Vicious circle.

That probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't felt like this, but that's okay.  I'm mainly writing all this down so I can tell the doc when she asks me about it.  It's easier to print it out later than to try to remember this shit.

It actually kind of stuns me to realize that this has been going on for over two weeks.   Two weeks!!!!  16 days so far of horrible headaches.  Will I be writing about this in another two weeks?  Or will the pain be a fading memory?  Will the Topamax work?  Will the MRI show anything?  Why am I having these horrible localized headaches? 

I've noticed, too.. to jot this down, that sometimes even when the pain is on 'low', it'll hurt when I turn my head too quickly.  Just a quick 'dart' of pain, and then it is gone.

So.. neurologist visit..

My neurologist visit was yesterday.  (I do too have a brain, Jen!)

I have an MRI scheduled for next Tuesday, and I have to have blood drawn for some tests on like my liver and kidneys and whatnot.

I have a shiny prescription for ONE Ativan (anyone ever taken one?) to take before the MRI, because I am extremely claustrophobic and already freaked out in the last MRI machine they tried to put me in.  But apparently they REALLY REALLY want the MRI done at Baptist East, because it gives better pictures.  And I agree that I want them to have the best possible pictures of my poor noggin so they can figure out what's wrong and treat it/stop it/etc.   She told me not to feel bad if I can't do it, if I try and do it but can't, then I can go back by the doc's office and they will schedule me at an open MRI.  But they really want the best pictures.  Okay.  I have a week to steel myself up for this.  And it's only half an hour or so.  On a sedative.  I can probably do this. 

She's also started me on Topamax, which is something my bosslady takes for migraines.  It has the side effect of appetite suppressant and weight loss, so I am looking forward to those two side effects.  Yes, I believe this makes me slightly pathetic.  Hey, I am having horrible debilitating headaches, but at least the medication will cause me to lose a few unwanted pounds! Rock on!

She gave me two 'sample' pills of Imitrex, too, but last night I had a really bad bad nasty headache and I took one and it didn't do anything.  I was told I *could* take the second, but I was afraid that it either wouldn't help or would cause some weirdo unwanted side effect.  (Seriously, go look it up.  I don't *knowingly* have any heart problems but that's some scary shit.  I should never look up medicines on the internet.  Never ever.) 

I was up til about 4am.  Seriously.  Crying and scootching around on the bed.  I got up at like, 2am and took a hot shower.  And it didn't help this time.  It doesn't usually 'cure' the headache, but it usually relaxes me enough while I'm in the shower to help me sleep.  And it didn't help last night.  Matt woke up like, three times, each time asking me if he could get me something.  Bless his sleeping heart.  He couldn't have done anything, and I was trying to sob quietly because he had to go to work  in the morning.  I finally got up and started to play around on the internets but then Charter farted and so I played Solitaire over and over and over and over again until my eyelids refused to stay open any longer, then went to bed and mercifully dropped off to sleep.  

Solitaire is apparently a good insomnia cure.  Even with the massive ohmyGodmyheadisgoingtofuckingexplode didanyonegetthenameoftheguywhohitmewithasledgehammer headache, it lulled me into a sleepy state.  Thank you, Windows, for including Solitaire.   (Freecell requires too much thinking, as does Spider Solitaire)

Bleh.  My head still effin' hurts.

Today kinda sucked, too.  I tried to sleep late, but the dogs (three of 'em, we have Lady here while Dad is visiting his brother for Thanksgiving) demanded bathroom privileges.  So I got up to let them out, waited and let them back in, and then climbed back into bed.  Switched the TV to mindless cartoons and was back in dreamland.

I got up around noon.

I noticed my bosslady had called and left a message this morning and so I called her back.  I ran to the store for cereal, peanuts, macadamia nuts, and cigarettes (I needed something to eat.. and I refused to go to Wal Mart.  Walgreens does not offer the same grocery choices as a supermarket would, but it was a lot faster.) 

I was intending to go to the funeral of my friend's nana, but was unable to.  My head just hasn't quit hurting at all today.  I don't think I'm supposed to take narcotic pain relievers while on the Topamax (I only take it at night, though, this week.) so I'm kinda suffering.  I may call the neurologist's office and ask her about it tomorrow.  Or the pharmacist.  Or the on-call docs at the E/R, whichever. 

So, there. That is the up-to-date-edness on my head.