My journal is friends only. It isn't hiding anything of particular importance to anyone but myself.

So when we last left our hero, he was lying on the floor crying. I had finished grabbing my clothes and whatever I wasn't willing to leave behind and tossed it in my car. I then stood there awkwardly, saying goodbye to his mom, and sort of apologizing that she had to deal with the sad, sobbing mess on the floor.

I mean, I know he'd hit me, swung large ceramic objects at me, tossed fries at me, generally emotionally abused me, called me names; but there he was, curled on the somewhat threadbare carpet, in a trailer in the middle of cow pasture, in the middle of nowhere, sobbing and snotty like a baby because I was smart enough to leave him. Again. (Yeah, I KNOW!)

I left.

I drove home, to my parents' house. Where I still technically lived, I'd just spent most nights at his (mom's) house. At his insistence, of course.

My parents have no idea about any of this. Nor does my brother. Although I assume when/if he reads this he will.

I take that back. I think my parents knew he was a dick. They just didn't know how bad of a dick he was.

Anyhow. Moving on. Life went on. He continued to try to get me to come back to him. I resisted. Not really an easy thing to do.

See, this is the thing.. guys like that don't start out by reaching across the table on the first date and whacking you one. They're charming and funny and generous MOST of the time. It's just when their tempers go off that you're in trouble. And as time goes on, the temper goes off more and more. And you start to REALLY believe that YOU REALLY did do something to deserve it. And then it's hard to leave. Where to go, what to do? I was lucky, I had HOME to go to. I had a job, I had friends. I even had people who barely knew me willing to go beat him up.

So he was back to charming. But I was broken. Something inside me had just, like, completely snapped.

Here is where *I* get ugly. He moved out of his mom's house (See Kat? I've got my own place now!) and wanted me to come over. I'd go over there and listen to him beg me to come back. I'd tell him no, watch him crumple, and leave. And I liked it. A couple of times, I'd even use him for sex (sorry family readers) and he'd CRY when I'd leave, and I'd leave smiling. Not because of the sex, but because he was crying. Because I'd made him cry. Hell, I'm smiling now typing it. And I'd just walk out, and drive off. Not a glance back. It was like stomping on him, over and over again, for what he did to me.

Eventually he started drinking too much, and I was not interested in actually watching someone flush their life down the toilet, so I quit visiting. (Okay, even when I had something to do with it. But fuck him. Seriously. He had problems but he refused to fucking take his meds.) I think he still called, but I actually began dating someone interesting and moved into an apartment with a roommate and got a new phone number. My mom was not interested in giving him my number OR a clue as to where I lived, so he dead ended at finding me. He also eventually moved and began to fuck with someone else, who somehow found me on LJ.. I'm not even sure how now. But that's her story.

So, he was actually married. There's a lot of Jerry Springer type shit there, but I'm not going to go into it all. It's ugly and I may bring up some of it some day, but he WAS separated, and his wife DID know we were together. And they WERE separated BEFORE we started ..well, this fucked up thing some people might call a relationship.

His grandparents, however, did NOT know they were separated, and occasionally they had to go put on happy married faces for them. Eventually, they did tell them, and some stuff happened, and blah de blah I was involved and the grandparents wanted to meet me because I had been on THEIR side for something. And so they invited me to Easter dinner.

He had to work, but would be off in time for dinner, he just wouldn't make it home in time to change. So I gathered clothes together, lovingly, to take to the grandparents' house for him to change into when he arrived. And off I went to the grandparents' house, with his mom, his wife, his wife's boyfriend, and the kids. (Oh yeah, did I mention the kids? They had kids. Cute kids, actually.)

We're all getting along, the grandparents seem to like me, everyone is happy, no problems. Until he gets there and goes to change.

I FORGOT A BELT. OH WOE. OH NO. OH GOD THE WORLD IS GOING TO END.

He calls me back (to where he was), and says, "YOU FORGOT THE BELT ON PURPOSE YOU BITCH."

Yes. I totally did. I REALLY wanted to ruin the day that I had been ACTUALLY enjoying so far.

The next day, I went into work. One of the ladies there was saying how her boyfriend had bought her roses, for EASTER. I snorted and said I got called bitch for forgetting a belt. The butcher looked at me and asked me how long I was going to take that kind of treatment before I wised up.


I wasn't scared of leaving. Holy crap. I was scared of his reaction to my leaving. And who the fuck calls someone a name for forgetting a belt? I remembered his shirt, pants, socks, shoes, comb, hair gel, hair spray, every fucking thing else. How about a thanks for that?

I went home and told him I'm sorry, but I'm leaving. He curled up on the floor and started crying. I went and got my things and started putting them in the car. I apologized to his mom (yeah, really) and she said she understood, she'd take care of him. She was kind of angry at me and I don't really blame her for that. She had to deal with him now. There was no one to stand in between.

But that wasn't the end of it.

So I had my follow up with my neurologist. I mentioned the few 'migraines' I'd had in between appointments and that I generally had a dull headache. She's upped my dosage of Topamax (to an almost GOOD GRIEF! amount, mind you) that I will 'step up' to over the next few weeks. I am hoping the drooling idiot side effect does not return. Still hoping for the loss of appetite to lose a few unwanted pounds, but whatever.

She also gave me a prescription for the Maxalt, which is the onset migraine pills. Fifteen pills in my prescription.

Both prescriptions cost, with insurance, $70. Without insurance, they would have run about $900. Yes, Nine hundred dollars. $500+ for 120 pills of Topamax (@ 4$ a pill), and $380+ for fifteen pills of Maxalt (@ 25$ a pill!). There must be diamonds ground up in that.

I sure am glad for Blue Cross.

Blargh blargh blargh.

So I started the Topamax in November. I didn't get the loss of appetite side effect. I did get the "turn into a drooling idiot" side effect. Fortunately, it passed once I got used to the meds.

I've had three "migraines" since then, and a couple of just plain ol' nasty headahces. The Maxalt my neurologist gave me for onset headaches seems to work. All three headaches came on exactly as the ones in November did, starting around 4 PM, full blown by 5:30. Unfortunately, they seem to be coming on more easily or frequently, since two of the three have been in the past couple of weeks. And I seem to just generally have a dull headache.

Blah.

Follow up appointment with the neuro is Tuesday morning. I don't know what to expect out of this appointment.

The MRI was good.  No tumors, no infections in my brain.  Yay!  My thyroid is also in good shape.

She said my headaches are typical of neither migraines nor tension headaches, but the treatment for prevention of migraines is working so we'll continue with that.  She asked if the Imitrex worked and I told her no, so she gave me something else to try.  (I forget the name of the new pill).

Follow up with her at the end of February, but I can call her if they come back with a vengeance or something. 

She did say my liver enzymes were elevated.  So was my white cell count.  I looked both up on the internets, and both can be raised by taking anti-seizure meds, which is what Topamax is.  She is sending my lab results back to my internist and I'll follow up with him.

Yes, this is another whiny headache post.

The nasty headache started this evening around 7.  I suffered through it while I watched Bones, because if I have something to distract me, it's easier to ignore the pain.  But House hasn't been as amusing for me lately as it used to, although I still enjoy it, so before long I was crying and fussing like an infant again.  I begged Matt to call someone to find out if the Darvocet would interact with the Topamax.  He called the pharmacist at Walgreen's and he told Matt that they did very different things and would not interact.  So, the Darvocet doesn't really kill the headache either, but it helps me to ignore it better.  Or maybe it lessens it.  It's really kind of hard to explain the pain. 

Sometimes it doesn't really seem to actually hurt less, but it's easier to deal with or ignore.  And sometimes it DOES hurt less.  And sometimes it hurts really bad and cannot be ignored.  This is when I start crying and fidgeting and stuffs.  I hate crying, too.  Because all this does is make my face hurt (nose stuffs up, etc.) and that adds to the headache.  But it's SO frustrating and it hurts so much that I can't NOT cry.  Vicious circle.

That probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't felt like this, but that's okay.  I'm mainly writing all this down so I can tell the doc when she asks me about it.  It's easier to print it out later than to try to remember this shit.

It actually kind of stuns me to realize that this has been going on for over two weeks.   Two weeks!!!!  16 days so far of horrible headaches.  Will I be writing about this in another two weeks?  Or will the pain be a fading memory?  Will the Topamax work?  Will the MRI show anything?  Why am I having these horrible localized headaches? 

I've noticed, too.. to jot this down, that sometimes even when the pain is on 'low', it'll hurt when I turn my head too quickly.  Just a quick 'dart' of pain, and then it is gone.

My neurologist visit was yesterday.  (I do too have a brain, Jen!)

I have an MRI scheduled for next Tuesday, and I have to have blood drawn for some tests on like my liver and kidneys and whatnot.

I have a shiny prescription for ONE Ativan (anyone ever taken one?) to take before the MRI, because I am extremely claustrophobic and already freaked out in the last MRI machine they tried to put me in.  But apparently they REALLY REALLY want the MRI done at Baptist East, because it gives better pictures.  And I agree that I want them to have the best possible pictures of my poor noggin so they can figure out what's wrong and treat it/stop it/etc.   She told me not to feel bad if I can't do it, if I try and do it but can't, then I can go back by the doc's office and they will schedule me at an open MRI.  But they really want the best pictures.  Okay.  I have a week to steel myself up for this.  And it's only half an hour or so.  On a sedative.  I can probably do this. 

She's also started me on Topamax, which is something my bosslady takes for migraines.  It has the side effect of appetite suppressant and weight loss, so I am looking forward to those two side effects.  Yes, I believe this makes me slightly pathetic.  Hey, I am having horrible debilitating headaches, but at least the medication will cause me to lose a few unwanted pounds! Rock on!

She gave me two 'sample' pills of Imitrex, too, but last night I had a really bad bad nasty headache and I took one and it didn't do anything.  I was told I *could* take the second, but I was afraid that it either wouldn't help or would cause some weirdo unwanted side effect.  (Seriously, go look it up.  I don't *knowingly* have any heart problems but that's some scary shit.  I should never look up medicines on the internet.  Never ever.) 

I was up til about 4am.  Seriously.  Crying and scootching around on the bed.  I got up at like, 2am and took a hot shower.  And it didn't help this time.  It doesn't usually 'cure' the headache, but it usually relaxes me enough while I'm in the shower to help me sleep.  And it didn't help last night.  Matt woke up like, three times, each time asking me if he could get me something.  Bless his sleeping heart.  He couldn't have done anything, and I was trying to sob quietly because he had to go to work  in the morning.  I finally got up and started to play around on the internets but then Charter farted and so I played Solitaire over and over and over and over again until my eyelids refused to stay open any longer, then went to bed and mercifully dropped off to sleep.  

Solitaire is apparently a good insomnia cure.  Even with the massive ohmyGodmyheadisgoingtofuckingexplode didanyonegetthenameoftheguywhohitmewithasledgehammer headache, it lulled me into a sleepy state.  Thank you, Windows, for including Solitaire.   (Freecell requires too much thinking, as does Spider Solitaire)

Bleh.  My head still effin' hurts.

Today kinda sucked, too.  I tried to sleep late, but the dogs (three of 'em, we have Lady here while Dad is visiting his brother for Thanksgiving) demanded bathroom privileges.  So I got up to let them out, waited and let them back in, and then climbed back into bed.  Switched the TV to mindless cartoons and was back in dreamland.

I got up around noon.

I noticed my bosslady had called and left a message this morning and so I called her back.  I ran to the store for cereal, peanuts, macadamia nuts, and cigarettes (I needed something to eat.. and I refused to go to Wal Mart.  Walgreens does not offer the same grocery choices as a supermarket would, but it was a lot faster.) 

I was intending to go to the funeral of my friend's nana, but was unable to.  My head just hasn't quit hurting at all today.  I don't think I'm supposed to take narcotic pain relievers while on the Topamax (I only take it at night, though, this week.) so I'm kinda suffering.  I may call the neurologist's office and ask her about it tomorrow.  Or the pharmacist.  Or the on-call docs at the E/R, whichever. 

So, there. That is the up-to-date-edness on my head. 

Monday, wake up with headache.  Call doc.  Go in to see doc at 1:15.  Tell doc Tramadol (was misspelled in earlier post) is not working.  Doc prescribes darvocet.  Made an appointment with Dr. Pacquieao (I totally screwed the spelling up on that one), a neurologist, for monday.

Blah.  Same deal with headaches. darvocet does not work well, either.  sleeping most of the time, or trying to.  Can keep headache under control during the day with sleeping / darvocet / soma, but at night it's almost always severe.  same crying in bed, blah blah.  Matt called the doc tuesday night, got the number for the on-call doctor, and called them.  they said i could take some tylenol pm.

wtf good is tylenol pm going to do?  if muscle relaxers and narcotic pain relievers aren't at least knocking me out, much less oh, i don't know, RELIEVING my PAIN, why do they think tylenol pm is going to do ANYTHING for me?

Am extremely frustrated.  my head fucking hurts.  am tired of head hurting.

boss called.  told me to take next week off and not to stress about my job.  am stressing about job anyways.  i like my job, i dont want to miss work.  i feel like i've let them down.  not my fault, am really 'sick' (in extreme pain, whatever), but still.  oh well.

getting whatever's wrong in my head fixed is more important.  no jokes

well,ok, you can joke. 

I''m writing this mainly to keep up with it.

Headaches started on Sunday, November 4th, mid afternoon.  Lasted all evening, went to bed with headache.  Hot shower helped some.
Monday - began around 4pm, severe by 5:30 (am able to work during day)

Tuesday - began around 4pm - severe by 5:30 (am able to work during day)

Wednesday - began around 3:30pm - severe by 5:30 - went to Pri-Med, given Lortab and Fenergin.  Also given a shot of Toradol.  Toradol helps, take fenergin and eat and go to bed.  (am able to work during day)

Thursday - began around 3pm, severe by 5:00pm - take fenergin, eat, take lortab.  am able to watch TV with Matt.  (am able to work during
day)

Friday - began around 10AM.  Called doctor.  Am seen at 11:40am, had CT Scan done (find out I cannot stand closed MRI machines) no hemorrage. Yay.  Doc gives me Tamdrol and Soma.  Tells me if I still have them come monday, he will refer me to a neurologist. 

Saturday - wake up around 6 with headache.  Eat, take tamadrol & soma, go back to sleep.   Tamadrol does not help.  Wait four hours, take lortab and fenergin.  Woozy, but functioning.  Bad heartburn (I took the fenergin without food, I suspect this was what did the heartburn)  Was able to go out with Jen for a short while, but would've been better off at home.  headache does not come back that night.

Sunday - wake up with headache, went back to sleep taking nothing. Wake up again, eat, take tamadrol and soma, and neither help again.  Wait four hours, eat, take fenergin and lortab.  Still waiting for it to help, but can tell it's easing off already.

Description of pain:  In back of head on the right side, lower.  sharp pain.  Severe.  Sometimes throbbing.  Mostly constant.  Severe.  Can read occasionally while headache is going on.  Can talk, watch TV sometimes.  Prefer to rest.  not light sensitive, not noise sensitive, no nausea.